The Curse of the Chicken Crossing the Road
by The Magic Bringer
Summary: House loves the Clinic! Cameron becomes a nun! Foreman and Cuddy play pranks on House! Chase runs from a rubber chicken! Wilson is an alko! What on earth is going on? Why are they all OOC? Find out [or not] inside!
1. Nuns

**The Curse of the Chicken Crossing the Road**

**House loves the Clinic! Cameron becomes a nun! Foreman and Cuddy play pranks on House! Chase runs from a rubber chicken! Wilson is an alko! What on earth is going on? Why are they all OOC? Find out (or not) inside! **

Once upon a time there was a kind, kind friendly doctor called Gregory House. He was a diagnostician. Employed under him were three ducklings. Their names were Yellow Duck, Black Duck, and Normal-Coloured-Duck.

Sorry? What was that? Oh, wrong story.

What I meant was: Employed under him were three other diagnosticians, whom he referred to as his precious ducklings. Their names, in order of Prettiness and Girlishness, were Allison Cameron, Robert Chase and Erica Foreman, I mean, Eric Foreman.

Allison and Erica – I mean Eric. Scratch that. Start again. Allison was the only one of the four supposed geniuses who was actually, well, a girl. Until one day when Robert Chase - but that's another story, so I won't go distracting you, eh?

Anyway, Allison, in all her Prettiness and Girlishness, for some strange reason was known by her surname, as Cameron. Which, paradoxically, is also given to males as a first name and means 'Crooked Nose.' Now, Cameron's nose was far from crooked, but, of course, this is not the point of the story.

We shall return back to Gregory House. He, like Cameron, preferred to go by his surname, and was known by everyone at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (the place where this amazingly kind-hearted doctor worked) as 'That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House,-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway'

Or TKDWELITP(WIVSBPSLD)AEHEDCADFL,DH,WDMSA. But most people prefer the 'That-Kind-Doctor…' version, because they find that TKDWELITP(WIVSBPSLD)AEHEDCADFL,DH,WDMSA is far to hard to pronounce as one word (due to a severe shortage of vowels) and has far too many letters to remember off the top of their heads.

'That-Kind-Doctor…' was currently in the clinic, cooing at a baby. He looked up the baby's mother. "Anna is very sweet," he observed, nodding his overlarge head.

The mother smiled at him as though he were a million American dollars. (Well, of course the dollars were American, they are in America, after all.) "His name is Anakin-After-The-Star-Wars-Character, Doctor House. But I can understand how you could get confused, there are so many parents naming their children strange things these days. Why, just the other day I met a poor young mother calling out to someone called 'Buttercup-Eating-An-Apple-After-The-Character-In-The-Princess-Bride-When-She-Was-Eating-An-Apple. "

House nodded. "And I don't think that Buttercup even ate an apple in the course of that novel," he agreed.

The mother frowned in thought. "Well, I suppose she might have, but I certainly can't remember it.

House sighed, overdramatically. "I love the Clinic!"

The nurses in the hallway nodded to the confused patients in the waiting room. "That's Doctor House in there," they'd whisper conspiratorially. "Most people call him 'That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway'"

The patients nodded, awe flooding through their features. "Please, Mummy," said an annoying little kid with an Australian accent.

"I want to see That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone…" the kid trailed off, obviously having forgotten part of Doctor House's title, before picking up brightly, "…Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House." Cleverly forgetting the 'Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway' part.

This, being a parody, will also include a multitude of characters that would not be out of place in a Harry Potter novel. AKA: Dudley Dursley. Now, no-one really knew why Dudley seemed to have acquired an Australian accent, much less what he was doing in America, but that was far from The Point!

(The Point was actually on the tip of The Needle, which Mary-Sue was probably holding, probably someplace in England. Probably Surrey. Probably while she was pashing Harry Potter. Probably while he was defeating Voldemort. Probably while he was the Heir of Merlin and Godric Gryffindor. It was also probable that the situation was very clichéd.)

The point was, that young Dudley Dursley was here to see 'That-Kind-Doctor," who, incidentally, hand more hyphens in his title that Dudley's cousin, who was probably in the situation mentioned above.

After House had dispelled of Anakin-After-The-Star-Wars-Character and his mother, Dudley was granted his wish. He got to see Doctor House.

"Doctor, what is wrong with me!" he cried. "My skin has become discoloured, and I had to pay for two Business Class Seats on the Aeroplane to get here!"

Doctor House surveyed him, and, being the kind and sensitive Doctor that he was, tried not to poke at his rolls too much. He was about to announce that Dudley had some rare and impossible disease, before Cameron (remember? The prettiest and girliest one?) burst into the room.

"Blasphemy!" she shouted, letting out a warrior-like shriek.

House, Dudley and Petunia turned to her, their faces paling dramatically. "Who would commit blasphemy in my hospital?" he demanded. It was actually Cuddy's hospital, but we will deal with that topic later.

Cameron, her complexion pale, turned slowly to point at Dudley. "Him! He said the word discolored with a 'u'!" There were several dramatic gasps from the audience, despite the lack of one.

"Cameron my dear!" House exclaimed, falling to his knees. "What are you going to do about such a heinous crime?"

Cameron frowned, not having thought of this. "Well, um, I suppose it will have to be something drastic, non?"

"Yes! It always s in these stories! But ma _chérie_, when did you become French?" House queried politely as Dudley and Petunia faded away, no longer useful to the plot.

Cameron shrugged. "I decided this morning, thought it was kind of cool. Do you _likeneaux_?"

House stared at her. "Really hip, baby. But I'm not sure that that last bit was French."

Cameron frowned. "Really? You aren't allowed to make stuff up?"

House shook his head. "Aww, damn!" Cameron muttered, but smiled dazzlingly at him. "I know!"

At House's confused look, she elaborated. "About Dudley and his Blasphemy."

House rubbed his hands together and pulled on some fancy doctors gloves. "I shall become a NUN (in capital letters)!" Cameron exclaimed.

House threw his cane to the side and fell to his knees for the second time in this ridiculous tale. "But Cameron! You do realise that if you were to become a NUN (in capital letters), we would have to stop our Midnight Meetings (with capitals and fancy alliteration)?"

Cameron nodded solemnly. "Really, House. I love the sex. I love you. Hell, I even love Foreman, but the Midnight Meetings (with capital letters and fancy alliteration now known to have Foreman also) have to stop. It is for the greater good.

House nodded sadly and the scene faded, revealing Foreman and Cuddy in Cuddy's office.

**Authors Notes:**

Merry Christmas!

This, my dear friends, is what you get when you mix talking to your little brother and writing fanfiction. None of this was actually any of his ideas, but he _was _talking about my toy monkey placing bets on horse and wouldn't shut up despite being hit over the head with a long pole. No, seriously. I wrote this to stop random things like this happening in my more serious stories. Would you like me to continue? It could stand as a one shot, I suppose, but I'd have to change the summary.


	2. Rubber Chickens

**The Curse of the Chicken Crossing the Road**

**House loves the Clinic! Cameron becomes a nun! Foreman and Cuddy play pranks on House! Chase runs from a rubber chicken! Wilson is an alko! What on earth is going on? Why are they all OOC? Find out (or not) inside! **

I, the narrator, take time off my planning to bring you… the second chapter in this stunning epic! Cameron has, by now, acquired a crucifix and a habit. Holding her crucifix, she walked reverently into That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House,-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway,-But-Has-Been-Amended-To-Remove-The-Part-About-Doctor-Cameron-Because-She-Became-A-NUN-(In-Capital-Letters)'s office. Leaning in front of his desk, she folded her hands together in prayer. "Lord, make me an inztrament of your war," she began.

"Where zere is love, let me zow 'atred…" Realising that That-Kind-Doctor had walked into the room, she stood up quickly, managing to knock everything off the bookshelves five meters away, even though this feat was completely impossible. "And please, Lord," she finished, "'Elp me to be a good NUN (with capital letters)."

That-Kind-Doctor smiled widely, spreading his arms wide to reveal his tar and feathered body. "Look at me!" he squeaked in excitement.

Cameron frowned, and clutched her crucifix to her chest. "What in the ruddy hell happened to you?" She seemed to be channelling the fanfiction version of Ron Weasley, though quickly snapped out of it and turned into a character that would put most people off TV.

"Oh dearie, ma _chérie_! What a problematic dilemma we have! You've been Tar-and-Feathered!" She seemed to have lost her French accent halfway through, because it was becoming too difficult to type, and it was crappy anyway.

That-Kind-Doctor nodded. "That's right! Lisa and Erica-, wait, I meant Eric, sprung me on my way to the clinic! They said that it was an attempt to get me out of the clinic because I love it so much!" That-Kind-Doctor seemed to have realised what he just said.

"I can't go in the clinic?" Cameron nodded enthusiastically, glad that _someone _had had mercy on the poor citizens of Atlantis, oops, the Clinic, and saved the depressed people from That-Kind-Doctor's OVER ENTHUSIASM! (In capitals)

That-Kind-Doctor's lip wobbled. "Whah! I WANT MY MUMMY!"

Cameron gaped at him. "My poor dear, you need a hug!" she cried, and leant over to do just that.

Unfortunately, That-Kind-Doctor hadn't completely been covered in feathers and the tar was still sticky. When Cameron went to pull away, she found that she was stuck. "My habit!" she moaned in distress. "I shan't leave it behind! We'll just have to walk around stuck together. Besides, the only consequences will be rumours about our hot, sweaty sex life!" she finished brightly.

That-Kind-Doctor smiled dreamily. "Those were the days," then, "MUMMY! I WANT MY MUMMY!"

Cameron attempted to rub her head. "Please, That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House,-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway,-But-Has-Been-Amended-To-Remove-The-Part-About-Doctor-Cameron-Because-She-Became-A-NUN-(In-Capital-Letters)-And-Was-Then-Re-Amended-Because-They-Were-Spotted-Stuck-Together-By-The-Tar-And-Feathers-That-Cuddy-And-Foreman-Stuck-On-That-Kind-Doctor, you're making my head hurt."

"Oh." That-Kind-Doctor said flatly. "Sorry. Want to go find out what Chase and Foreman are up to?"

Cameron shrugged. "Whatever."

Chase and Foreman were in a patient's house. They were in there because the patient was going home that day and she was very hot and neither of them had been laid in ages, so they figured that the patient whose name they didn't know was as good as any.

Foreman ducked his head under the bed because he felt like it, and started pulling out numerous objects, because he thought it was funny. After throwing a rubber duck, a packet of condoms, a towel, a priceless necklace, a toy monkey, a stuffed squirrel, a cork, a portable computer, a cell phone, and a 'home video' out on the floor, he found what he was looking for, and flung it onto the floor with the ret of the things.

"What is that?" Chase squeaked, terrified. Chase shook, staring in horror at the object on the floor.

Foreman came out of the closet (which used to be a bed,) leant over, and picked it up. He squeezed it. "It's a… rubber chicken?" Chase let out a wail of horror, and fell onto the floor, scrambling to his feet and running.

"I know you! You're going to kill me! I know it!" he shouted, and disappeared from the house.

Foreman looked at the rubber chicken. "Cool! Thanks, chicken. Now I get a hot chick all to myself!" he chuckled at his own lame joke. However, all his dreams were shattered in the next moment.

Wilson came drunkenly swaggering in to the bedroom. "Foreman?" he slurred happily. "I thought you didn't love me!"

Foreman looked a the rubber chicken. He then looked at Wilson. Throwing the rubber chicken at Wilson, he ran just like Chase had.

"Hey," Wilson slurred, squinting at the chicken. "Is that Julie's?"

That-Kind-Doctor and Cameron came swaggering in. "Yeah," they nodded. "Hey, Jimmy-James, how do you feel about coming with us to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting?"

Wilson nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that." He agreed, using bad grammar. That-Kind-Doctor was very kind and dragged Wilson there with the help of Cameron, because he couldn't stand on his own two feet.

(Well, actually, he thought he could, and managed to kick them off him and them apart from each other. He was so drunk that he beat them into blissful unconsciousness.)

"Well," Wilson sighed. "They're sleeping. I'm tired."

So he carefully laid himself down next to them and pretended to be a bear, which resulted in a fight with a dog in the gutter.

Chase and Foreman, meanwhile, had stopped running. "You too?" Chase asked, wide eyes, with reference to the rubber duck.

Foreman nodded, traumatised. "Wilson!"

Chase looked at him in sympathy, "Stacey," was his only reply.

Both promptly threw up.

**Authors Notes: **That wasn't as good as the first chapter, methinks. Never mind. The prayer that Cameron says at the beginning is actually an evilised version of my school prayer. I had to do that… You can probably tell… House and Cameron are my favourite characters, and I hate Stacey. Anyway, I think that is it. Unless I decide to add more later, which is highly unlikely, but possible, since there was no actual conclusion, see?


End file.
